The Silent Path
Santana - Journey to Self - Chapter 1: Rumors (fanfiction)

Title: Santana - Journey to Self, Chapter 1: Rumors

Character(s): Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Sam Evans, and Coach Beiste

Rating: T for language

Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Depression/Coming Out

Description: The story begins on the first Tuesday following Regionals.  Santana is dealing with intense depression over her relationship with Brittany and her sexuality.  Rachel Berry is the only classmate that is fully aware of Santana’s feelings for Brittany and her confusion about her sexuality.  Something happened over the weekend between Santana and Rachel that has caused them to start a tentative friendship…

————————————————————————————————-

Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network.  This is fan fiction only.

This is a Brittana story, but I will be focussing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian.  I may pursue the relationship with Brittany later in the story.

Takes place the week following Regionals where New Directions won and are going to Nationals.  Santana spent the weekend at home and didn’t talk to anyone.  Nothing happened on Monday.  I am going to be sticking to mostly canon relationships.  I may allow Quinn and Rachel to be less antagonistic toward each other as the story progresses.

Rachel and Santana are not in a relationship, it’s a wary friendship only, and it will not go beyond that.  I have no intention to make this a PezBerry story.  It’s simply that Rachel is more observant than the rest of her classmates and she knows that Santana is in love with Brittany.  In my story Rachel has been trying to get Santana to talk to her about what’s going on, she is worried because she knows how devastated Santana really is.  I also am writing as though Rachel and Santana actually live within a few blocks of each other, so it’s an excuse for them to interact a bit more than they do on the show.

—————————————————————

Chapter 1: Rumors

6:00 AM Tuesday - William McKinley High parking lot…

I take a quick glance through my rear view mirror as I turn into the William McKinley parking lot.  Thank god my Dad got me this car, it’s used and old, but he made sure it was clean and running great.  It doesn’t even look half bad for an old car, its red and even better a 4 door so I can take Mercedes, Tina, and Mike out for rides.  When I’m in a really good mood I’ll sometimes give Berry a ride home from school, but that’s only on a really frigging good day.  I hate that she lives so close to me, it’s annoying to be in the same fucking neighbourhood as Rachel fucking Berry.  Why did her dad’s have to live in Lima Heights for god’s sake.

After yesterday I might never give Rachel a ride again, can’t that girl keep her mouth shut for 5 minutes and stay out of my business.  Rachel absolutely insisted on talking about her and I shut that down right away, I don’t want to talk about her right now, I can’t even think her name in my head without breaking down in tears.  B… no stop, don’t say it, not even your head, don’t think it, don’t, no, no, no, no.

Darn tears, stop crying Lopez, stop crying now.  I look at myself in the mirror and grab the box of Kleenex beside me.  I stopped wearing mascara and eyeliner for the last while, my eyes just get messed up if I do.  I take a deep breath, calm, relax, calm, relax.  You can get through another day of school, you can.

Damn Rachel and her meddling, just when I think I have this under control she stirs it up again.  I suppose she means well, I know she knows about me, and she does keep her mouth shut about it to everyone else.  I check my cell to see what time it is, and surprise surprise Berry has sent me a text message.  Well it’s too frigging late for me to pick her up, I am already at school.  I got up really early this morning, I wanted to run on the track and try to get rid of my anger and frustration and this damn unending sadness that just won’t go away.  I am so tired of crying all the time, it’s getting ridiculous.

I am Santana fucking Lopez, and I don’t cry at school, only wimps cry.  I won’t cry, stop crying damn it.  Sheesh I am such a basket case these days.  Time for more Kleenex.

I look at the text message from Rachel.  Santana be careful at school, rumors on facebook/myspace.  About you!! Call me please!

SHIT!! What the hell is she talking about, and why is she my new best friend, I can’t believe how much I dislike her sometimes.  I think she is afraid I am going to break down and ruin our chance at Nationals.  There is always some catch with Rachel.  Oh well, since she is already awake messaging me, I might as well call her.  At least I can have the satisfaction of making her late for school.  I dial her number.

"Hi Santana."

"Berry what’s up, what’s with the cryptic message about rumors."

"I checked my myspace this morning, and saw some postings about the glee club on my page."

"So what’s the big deal about that, people put nasty comments on your myspace all the time.  Heck, I put nasty comments on your myspace.”

"Sometime I want to talk to you about that, I wish you would stop Santana.  Anyway, what I was getting at was that it was a bit different than usual, they were saying all the girls in glee club must be dykes if Santana Lopez is one.”

"WHAT!!" I can’t stop from shouting in the phone.  "You’re not serious, who the hell posted that, I will kick their fucking ass!!"

"It was Karofsky, Santana, he posted it.  It wasn’t just my page either, it was all of ours, everyone in Glee club.  Some people must have heard you talking to Br..”

"Don’t say her name, I can’t take that right now."

"…talking to her in the hallways."

Now the tears are starting to come down again.  Darn it, I hate crying when Berry can hear me.  I try to hold the sobs back but I can’t, this isn’t good news at all.

"Santana, are you still there, can you hear me?"

"Yes." I whisper into the phone, trying not to let her hear the breaks in my voice.

"It was going to happen eventually, I know you were still trying to work through things."

"Darn it Rachel, I hate talking about this shit, I hate labels, why can’t everyone let it go, she fucking said NO!!."  I practically scream into the phone, all the pain and sorrow coming out in a blast at Rachel.

Probably better I vent it out on her than break down in school anyway.  I think maybe that’s why she keeps pestering me when we are alone so that I get it off my chest when no one else is around.  She is such a fucking meddler, if she put as much effort into getting Finn back as she does meddling she would have him back already.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!  I am just not ready to deal with this crap yet.

"How bad are the comments Rachel?"

"It’s pretty bad Santana, lots of people are posting on your myspace and facebook profiles.  It’s kind of like they don’t think you have the popularity to stop them anymore.  Karofsky got all his football and hockey buddies to post things on your profiles.”

"Rachel, log into my profiles and delete them, right now, take them down!"  I wait while I hear her shifting to her desk and her laptop.

"K, give me your info Santana."

I give her the username and password for my facebook and myspace.  Damn it, I should have checked them, I haven’t bothered since before Regionals on Friday.  I was too depressed to check anything all weekend, I just stayed in my room blasting music on my ipod.  As much as Rachel bugs me sometimes I am glad she is such a nerd today otherwise I would have walked into school without being prepared.  This is going to be bad, I am not sure I have the strength for this yet.  I am so tempted to skip school today, but where I am going to go, if I go home my Mom will wonder what’s up and I am not ready to tell her yet.  Darn it she is going to find out now, when the family sees my facebook and myspace are gone they are going to start asking questions.

"It’s done Santana, I deleted your accounts.  I backed up your pictures for you too, I can put them on a CD if you want.”

She is such a fucking nerd sometimes, can’t believe she actually backed up my pictures for me.

"Thanks Rachel, I appreciate that."

"Do you want to pick me up, we can talk on the way to school."

"It’s too late, I came here already I was going to jog on the track before school starts."

"Did you bring a change of clothes with you?"

"Just my track stuff and the outfit I am wearing, why?"

"They might try to slushie you!"

"Fuck that, I’ll kill them if they try."

"Still, they might get you when you aren’t ready for it.  Do you want me to bring something for you to wear just in case.”

"Do you have anything in your wardrobe other than clothes for 12 year olds?  Seriously Rachel have you never looked at a fashion magazine in your life.  For a girl who wants to go to New York someday you have the fashion sense of a frigging toad.”

I hear her sigh in the phone, she is trying not to get mad at me.  Damn it, even fucking Rachel Berry thinks I am too damaged to take her being mad at me.  This so fucking sucks, I hate this crap, why can’t I go back in time and erase everything in the past two weeks.  I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

"I have a sundress, is that ok?"

"I guess it will have to do, please tell me it’s not pink with bunnies all over it."

"It’s plain white, it should fit you, it’s below my knees so it shouldn’t be too short for you."

"I guess it will do, I have my leather jacket today, so I can put my jacket over it."

"If they go after you Santana it will be before first bell or at lunch probably."

"I guess I’ll try to keep my head down, at least I am here already, I can hit the track and get to homeroom before anyone else comes."

"Santana, maybe you should talk to Kurt."

"What can he do from fucking Dalton Rachel, Kurt and Blaine aren’t going to be able to help me today."

"I think you should talk to them about what you’re going through Santana, you need to talk to someone, and I know you don’t want to talk to me about it."

"What can any of you do Rachel, nothing, she said no, there is nothing else to say, she is with fucking McCripple Pants, and I can’t do anything about it."

"Santana you can’t do this by yourself, you need help, I have two gay dad’s, I can maybe give you some advice, just talk to me please."

"Fuck Rachel, how many times do I have to tell you I don’t want to talk about fucking labels, I just want to get back to normal and forget everything that happened."

I hear her sigh in the phone again, she is so fucking obvious, I can picture the stupid expressions on her face while she collects her thoughts.  She is so fucking annoying and such a meddler.  I won’t ever tell her that I sort of appreciate her trying, it’s been a bit easier to cope having Berry to vent on in private without anyone else hearing.

"At least think about talking to Kurt, please promise me you will consider it."

"Will it shut you up if I say yes?"

"For now."

"You are such a fucking meddler sometimes Rachel, if you put all this effort you put meddling into my business into getting fucking Finn back, you would have him already."

"Look Santana, I am only trying to help, and I am going to get Finn back, so shut up about it."

Nice, got a rise out of her at last, I can hear the temper rising in her voice, it’s fun to get her hackles up, she is so hung up on Finn it’s easy.

"I am going to go jogging Rachel, I’ll see you when you get to school."

"I’ll keep the dress in my locker Santana, just text me if you need it."  Her voice is back to neutral, she has a lot more self restraint than I do, have to give her credit for that.

"Ok, and Rachel."

"Yes?"

"Thanks for giving me the heads up, I know I can be a super bitch most of the time, but I do appreciate it."

"Thanks Santana, I’ll see you…"

I hang up my cell, conversation is over anyway.