Title: Santana - Journey to Self / Chapter 4: Alone
Character(s): Santana Lopez, Brittany Pierce, Sam Evans, and David Karofsky
Rating: T for language
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Coming Out
Description: Santana is dealing with intense depression over Brittany and coming to terms with herself. Rachel is the only one of her classmates that is fully aware of what’s going on. Santana just broke up with and outed herself to Sam. Bullies from the school have been harrassing Santana online…
I performed a reformatting edit and had to delete and repost this.
Glee and the characters of Glee do not belong to me, they belong to Fox Network. This is fan fiction only.
This is a Brittana story, but I will be focussing more on Santana coming to terms with being a lesbian. I will pursue the relationship with Brittany later into the story.
I am going to be sticking to mostly canon personalities as best as I am able. The only LGBT characters are Santana, Brittany, Kurt, Blaine, and Karofsky.
Chapter 4: Alone
The run this morning felt good and it helped me get a few things figured out. I never realized how deeply depressed I got over the weekend until I really faced it. How close I actually came to wanting to hurt myself. The run helped purge some of the dark feelings out, and I feel a lot better after pushing myself so hard on the track. I am going to take up Coach Beiste’s invitation to try out for track team, I think I need something physical like long distance running to help me keep my head clear for the next little while. That and the girls varsity jackets are actually quite nice. Now that I don’t have my Cheerio uniform and jacket, I wouldn’t mind having a girls varsity jacket. It might even help my rep at school now that I don’t have a boyfriend.
Breaking up with Sam is a bigger relief than I expected it to be. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s one less thing to regret. I apologized for using him, he forgave me, and he still wants to be friends, what more could I ask for. I think Sam has decided to be my big brother now whether I like it or not, I suppose I should be glad that he isn’t hurting from our conversation this morning. In truth he is probably relieved that he is free to go after Quinn again, I wasn’t exactly a very nice girlfriend.
While we are walking to class I glance at his face and I can see the worry in his eyes, whatever was posted on the Internet about me is bothering him. I know he is looking for Karofsky. Sam was the one who stepped up to defend Kurt, sure the other Glee guys Mike and Artie helped, but it was Sam who actually stepped up to the plate when Finn was too much of a coward.
I sigh to myself, I guess I am outed to the school whether I was ready for it or not. Does it matter? I would have liked more time to work through things. I am not even one hundred percent sure I am gay, maybe I just never met the right guy, maybe I couldn’t give my heart to a guy because I have been in love with Brittany all this time. I just don’t know for sure. Most people would tell me to go see the frigging guidance counsellor, but seriously Ms. Pilsbury is the biggest flake on the Earth. I am probably going to have to keep my promise to Berry and call Kurt and Blaine. I know if I don’t she will end up pestering me about it. She is such a meddler sometimes.
Hmm, did that bitchy little flake of a cheerleader give me a dirty look under her nose. I want to run over and wipe the smirk off her little plastic face. I have to restrain myself though, I don’t want to make things worse than they are, or lose my temper right now. Darn, Sam’s eyes are getting a bit glinty, there must be more people giving me dirty looks than I have been noticing. Too caught up in my own head and not keeping an eye out. Even worse Rachel warned me to watch out today, and here I am daydreaming about my problems. Well time to calm Sam down I guess.
"Sam, relax, no one has said or done anything to me in person. They are too scared to mess with Santana Lopez, they know I am a class A bitch and I bet they will stay away from me.”
"I just want people to know you aren’t unprotected here Santana, we might not be a couple anymore, but I want to send a clear message that you are not without friends."
"Oh just what I need, my own personal bodyguard." My voice just drips with sarcasm and I give him one of my bitchy looks. Like I really need a knight in shining armour or anything like that crap.
"You should take this more seriously Santana. I don’t want Karofsky to mess with you like he did Kurt.”
"Who says he will Sam, I’m a girl, he might just leave me alone. I might end up getting slushied, but I’ll go all medieval on anyone who tries to pull that on me.”
I can see from the look on his face that he doesn’t see me going medieval on Karofsky or any of the football and hockey guys. I guess the same thought crossed my mind too. I am a bit more afraid than I am willing to admit, I never expected to be outed already. I even hear the under breath insults here and there in the halls, people whispering, and the words are out there, and I know they are directed at me.
Dyke, lesbo, homo, gay, slut, whore…
It’s all under the breath though, and everyone is too chicken shit to say it to my face. I just keep my head held high and my queen bitch expression on my face. Although, I am not sure how much of a Queen Bitch I really am today. The fact is with all the crying I have been doing lately I have only been wearing some light lipstick so I don’t have to keep fixing my eyes all day. It makes me look younger I think, I don’t look like my normal queen bitch self. Darn I hate self doubt.
"Sam promise me that you won’t go looking for Karofsky. If he pesters me I’ll let you know, but until he actually says something, there is no point stirring up trouble.”
He looks at me, I can see him wavering, he doesn’t want to talk about the crap that is on the Internet about me. Rachel didn’t either, she just told me it was bad and then helped me to delete my facebook and myspace pages.
"Are you sure I shouldn’t just pretend to be your boyfriend for a while till things calm down. It’s not like I am going to run out and start dating anyone right now anyway.”
"I have to stop doing that though Sam, that’s been my MO for too long now, having a boyfriend so I can pretend to be straight, instead of telling the person I really love how I feel. I want to stop doing that. You need to keep yourself open for a real girlfriend too Sam, you deserve to be with someone who will treat you right. Not some bitchy confused girl like me who has no idea what she wants.”
"Well we are still friends, so I am not going to let anyone mess with you Santana."
"Until someone gets in my face there is no point worrying so much about it Sam, relax for now. I promise I’ll tell you if anything happens, Okay?”
"Fine, but you better tell me Santana, don’t keep it in or hide it from your friends, if someone bothers you tell us right away."
"I will don’t worry, you will probably even hear me bitching them out in the halls."
He laughs at that, but I must be coming across like a wounded bird or something. Both Sam and Berry are acting overly protective. I suppose Rachel has more reason than anyone to act that way, she is the one who actually saw me this weekend. I can’t help from shuddering, just realizing that the depression is still there under the surface, it’s not totally gone yet. I think I have it under control now and I better keep it that way, my Mom and Dad will probably have me committed if I fall into a black depression like that again.
"Well here we are, time for first bell and history. I’ll be fine in class Sam.”
"Ok Santana, I am leaving my cell on vibrate, text me if you need me later."
The morning classes go without a hitch. I am actually trying to pay more attention than usual, trying to forget about my problems. I think the teachers are in shock that I am not giving them attitude for once. Mrs. Lockheed was actually impressed that I took the time out of my busy day to answer her questions for once.
Lunch… I linger behind in the classroom as everyone goes out. Am I actually scared? I think I am a little. I can’t help but think about Kurt. I have this anxiety creeping up inside me and I can’t shake it. I haven’t got hit with anything serious yet, so far it’s been fairly tame. A few whispered comments here and there, but nothing serious. Well besides all the Internet crap which I luckily didn’t have to see at all, thanks again to Rachel for that small favour.
Then as I pick up my jacket, I see it on the back, someone taped a piece of paper with “Dyke” written on. I grab it off my jacket and tear the stupid thing into little pieces. I try to remember which jerkoff was sitting behind me during class, but I can’t recall.
Crap, I think I might start crying. Stop crying Santana, it’s just a fucking piece of paper left behind by a coward who was too fucking chicken shit to say it to your face. Don’t cry, no crying. You’re a queen bitch, own it.
A few deep breaths and I have the panic under control, time to face the student body. Shit I might actually sit with fucking Berry at lunch, my reputation is tanked anyway.
Why am I avoiding the others today? I have only talked to Sam and Rachel in the last two days, I have avoided everyone else like the plague. I think it’s because Rachel knew about me all along, and I just told Sam because I owed him an explanation. I am tired of talking about this crap and I don’t really want to have to keep explaining this shit over and over to everyone.
As I walk out into the halls I see her, I thought I might be able to avoid Brittany for a while, at least I can think her name again without dying inside. The run this morning really helped.
"Santana, can we talk?" She is giving me her adorable sad puppy face that always melts my heart. Crap, I am way too hung up on her for my own good.
"What’s up Britt?" I don’t make eye contact, have to look anywhere but her beautiful blue eyes. Damn I can barely stand this, she is right in front of me, looking as hot as ever, and I have nowhere to look. I decide to angle myself so I can look at the wall.
"Are you ok? I heard people are talking about you.” Is that concern in her eyes, no stop looking at her eyes Santana, look at the wall.
"What does it matter Brittany? You’re with Artie, not me. Whatever people say I will deal with it with my vicious, vicious words remember.” I can’t believe I just threw her own words back at her. Really subtle Santana.
"We are still friends aren’t we?" Her lips are quavering a little, she might start crying if I don’t get out of here.
Damn this, I can’t help but get a little bit angry at her, why does she want to spend time with me when she chose Artie. Go fucking find her fucking boyfriend and stay out of my business. I won’t say any of this to her of course, I would never say things like this to Brittany. Hell would freeze over before I would ever be that mean to the girl I am totally in love with.
"I need my space Brittany, your with Artie, and I…"
Suddenly the red cherry slushie hits like a punch in the face by a block of ice. He doesn’t throw it lightly either, he is slamming it into my face and I barely get my eyes closed in time. I even feel the ice cutting into my cheeks. The shock sears through me, I can’t even think. Worse, this actually hurts, he threw it at me as hard as he could, this wasn’t how they normally do it, this was pure hatred. When I look up at him I see it in his eyes, the hate is burning there and he looks me directly in the eye.
"Fucking Dyke whore." Karofsky whispers it at me as he starts walking away, his voice practically trembling with hatred.
I want to say something as he walks away glaring at me, but I am frozen in shock, and… fear, I am deathly afraid, more afraid than I have ever been of anyone in my life. This is what Kurt felt from this guy, I know it, I know this is exactly how Kurt felt. Karofsky doesn’t just dislike gays, he hates us. Did I just think “us”, I suppose I did, deep down I know it.
Everyone is staring at me in shock. Even Britt is completely shocked. She reaches her hand out tentatively to touch me and I can’t take it. I shake my head no at her, tears in my eyes, and I run away from this girl who breaks my heart with every word and gesture.
As I run to the girl’s washroom I can see people pointing, laughing, and snickering at me. I guess Santana Lopez got her comeuppance and everyone is enjoying the show today. It’s not like I was the nicest girl before so I suppose them taking pleasure in my misery is not surprising.
There are actual scratches on my face from the slushie, and it looks like I got punched or slapped. I can’t stop crying now, and I don’t even care who sees me. I am shaking all over and it’s not from the cold slushie, I feel so many things, anger, fear, sorrow, humiliation. They all go through my mind at once.
A hand on my shoulder, I know it’s her, and she is breaking my heart by following me. Doesn’t she know that her presence makes the pain worse. Doesn’t she know that I love her so much that not having her kills me inside.
"I can’t do this with you Brittany." My voice is like a whisper and it breaks with all the sadness I am feeling.
"I can help you Santana, you know I am always here to help you." She is trying to pull me into her arms and hold me, knowing how much that used to comfort me before. It takes all my willpower and self control to push her back from me till she is at arm’s length.
"Brittany every time you come near me you are breaking my heart. Do you understand Britt, it hurts me inside to be near you.” I put my hand over my heart to show her, all the pain and sorrow in my eyes.
"But I love you too Santana, I can help you, you don’t have to be alone." It rips me to pieces how sweet the compassion and love in her voice sounds.
"Can you leave Artie for me Brittany?" I say it softly, trying to keep the words as neutral as I can.
"I can’t hurt him Santana, I told you this before. That doesn’t mean I can’t be your best friend, we were always best friends.” Second place again, that will always be where I am.
"I am not ready for that right now Brittany, maybe sometime after I get over you, but not right now, it hurts too much Britt. I love you so much and not having you is like being stabbed in the heart every day.” I can see in her eyes that she wants things to go back to the way they were but with us talking feelings now. How can I explain to her that friendship isn’t enough anymore, that I can’t live with that.
"I need you to go Brittany, I will clean myself up. Please go, if you love me like you say, then I need you to give me space and give me time to get over you. Please go Britt.” I say it softly, no anger this time, just a soft plea that she respect my heart and go.
I turn away from her and grab paper towels to start cleaning myself up. I am pretending that she is already gone, I won’t acknowledge her presence anymore. I am closing the door on her, I know it, as much as I love her I can’t sit on the sidelines waiting. This is the end, I need to let her go, she made her choice, and I am not going to interfere.
"Ok Santana, I do love you so I will do what you ask and leave." I can see she is crying but I won’t let myself turn to her and comfort. I don’t say goodbye when she goes, or try to convince her to stay.
I am alone…